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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 17:13:59 GMT -5
This is my first piece for my Creative Writing class in school. COMMENTS, CRITIQUE, EVERYTHING. Should I turn in this piece or pick a different one?
Standstill
I hate this standstill. Crisscrossing black asphalt melting and liquefying underneath a sun that fries my skin. The desert reaches out, stretching its thin fingers to hold me within miles of frustration. There is nothing out here but defect after defect, each one illuminated by monstrous spotlights. I stand still. I do not know which way to go. The sun is amused and mocking, laughing, sneering, burning me. Burning me, a lit cigarette to my skin: anguish. Yes, there is pain but it’s hidden by my skin. This giant black hole, this grey fury eats me from the inside like static on a broken TV. I feel myself being devoured, feel the maddening disintegration. I am disappearing, fragment by fragment. Dissolving molecule by molecule, atom by atom… I am being pulled away, as if each of my limbs is responding to a different gravity. I can predict exactly how my bones will fracture, splinter, rupture and crack from the strain. My ligaments will sever, my tendons shred. My toes are exploring that edge between wholeness and fractured; I am right there and I cannot step away. I don’t know the way. But there is a way, of course. I am just so wrapped around my routine that there’s no chance I can change. I want to. This standstill; this asphalt; this fathomless desert; I want it to end. I am real, but I need to feel like it. My cells are drying out, living like this. I need a change. Let’s try some sky instead. Let’s go somewhere different now. I’m at a standstill; I need to start walking.
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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 17:16:17 GMT -5
Guys, if you read this and you see even a simple typo that you think I'll catch later: TELL ME. This is something I'm turning into school for a grade! I need it to be as perfect as possible in the spelling and grammar departments. And everywhere else. Do you think it's too dark to hand in, if you know what I mean?
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Post by ♪♪♫♪ on Sept 27, 2009 17:21:11 GMT -5
This is so interesting, in a good way. I love love love the ending! I don't know, this is my kind of writing. I don't think it's too dark at all--if anything, it's too "real", but I don't think it's "emo" or anything like that... I think this is absolutely fine and wonderful. When you said, "But there is a way, of course." it just reminded me of "my style" of prose and I love it.
I would take out this sentence, because to me, it's not the same style as the rest of the paragraph, but that's all I can think of as for critique: "I am just so wrapped around my routine that there’s no chance I can change. I want to." You could rephrase/change it instead of taking it out too, of course.
**Edit: I'd also like to mention that I find most of these short things you write to be highly relatable. It may just be me, but I always know where you're coming from in some way when you write little things like this.
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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 17:28:16 GMT -5
I see what you mean about those lines, Bri. I'm tinkering with a way to fix them. I'm trying to balance this piece between figurative language and metaphors, and the truth. By this I mean that I don't want a line in there just because it sounds good. I want it to be truthful and meaningful to me and what I was feeling when I wrote it. So I'm working on ittttt
But thank you, thank you so much! I'm glad you love the ending, that was my least favorite part. And I'm so glad you think my work is relatable.
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Post by ♪♪♫♪ on Sept 27, 2009 17:32:35 GMT -5
I actually thought about the emotion you put into that line, or what emotions I could get from that line, before I posted about it so I get what you mean, and I admire you for valuing truthful prose over pretty (very unlike me!).
You're welcome! It's def. the truth.
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Post by forgottenxthreat on Sept 27, 2009 17:44:32 GMT -5
I am being pulled away, as if each of my limbs is responding to a different gravity.
I absolutely love that line because i can picture that idea vividly in my mind and i just LOVE that sentence.
Burning me, a lit cigarette to my skin: anguish.
For some reason i don't think the end of this sentence flows well. The colon anguish. I feel like its too much like free writing that it kind of makes me stop for a second.
in the beginning, I would get it across more that the desert is a figurative metaphorical desert, so when you continue to talk about the desert's aspects, the sentences connect to more than just an actual desert.
Ok, all of these comments of mine are just that, comments of mine. I mean, i think this piece is fine if you decide you don't want to change it, you know?
I don't think its too dark, especially since it has an uplifting ending. I think graphic is a better word to describe this than dark, and i think... i don't know, i don't think its that bad. But i don't know what kind of 'dark' scale your teacher has, either.
I would check the spelling of liquefying, although that might even be correct, because you might have already checked it
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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 18:36:40 GMT -5
Thanks, Julieann. I tried to incorporate your suggestions. I'm posting a new version in a second.
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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 18:37:09 GMT -5
Standstill
I hate this standstill. Crisscrossing back and forth in the layers of my mind is the desert I am stuck in. Black asphalt is melting and liquefying underneath a sun that fries my skin. The desert reaches out, stretching its thin fingers to hold me within miles of frustration. There is nothing out here but defect after defect, each one illuminated by monstrous spotlights. I stand still. I do not know which way to go. The sun is amused and mocking, laughing, sneering, burning me. Burning me, a lit cigarette to my wrist. Anguish - yes, there is pain, but it’s hidden by my skin. This giant black hole, this grey fury eats me from the inside like static on a broken TV. I feel myself being devoured, feel the maddening disintegration. I am disappearing, fragment by fragment. Dissolving molecule by molecule, atom by atom… I am being pulled away, as if each of my limbs is responding to a different gravity. I can predict exactly how my bones will fracture, splinter, rupture and crack from the strain. My ligaments will sever, my tendons shred. My toes are exploring that edge between being whole and being fractured; I am right there and I cannot step away. But there is a way, of course. I am just too engraved in my reflexes to change direction now. I am cemented in the sand, dreaming of walking away. This standstill; this asphalt; this fathomless desert; I want it to end. I am real, but I need to feel like it. My cells are drying out, living like this. I need a change. Let’s try some sky instead. Let’s go somewhere different now. I’m at a standstill; I need to start walking.
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Post by ♪♪♫♪ on Sept 27, 2009 19:48:58 GMT -5
I love this line you added (or I think you added it, at least): "I am cemented in the sand, dreaming of walking away."
I liked how you incorporated Julieann's suggestion and changed that one sentence to this: "Anguish - yes, there is pain, but it’s hidden by my skin." (I also like how you took my suggestion, too) but overall, I like the first one you posted so much better. I loved the second sentence in the first one, and just some things that you changed.
I don't know why, but I feel like the first one seems much more "real" and much less "forced", if you get my drift. I don't know how to phrase it properly. Not to disagree with Julieann's critique, because I feel like she put what she had to say very well, but I think you should make the desert seem more like it was before and less... "metaphorical" and "it's-all-in-my-head" (because to me, it seemed like the person in the piece--whether it be you, etc--has made that desert real; it is real, it has been real, it shouldn't seem so... "made up"). I liked it better that way. But that's just my opinion, so maybe you could find a happy middle ground and make the piece what you want it to be, and make it whatever floats your boat because this piece should make you happy and should say something about you, not me/us (Fanherad). (: [/size]
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Post by kangaroo cry on Sept 27, 2009 20:34:30 GMT -5
Thank you, both Bri and Julieann, for commenting and helping me.
I made a third version, but I'll spare you all and not post it. It's a mixture of the first and second, so hopefully that makes it the best one. Plus, my teacher said we'll probably edit it more in class and she'll give us some pointers, so it's by no means the last version. Honestly, I just read it out loud to myself and I hated it. And I have to read it out loud in class tomorrow. But I'm so HONK sick of rewriting it over and over again that I'm done. For tonight, I'm done. But thank you both for your help. <3
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